I have to laugh out loud, I wish I didn’t like this; Is it a dream or a memory?
Okay seriously, this mental & emotional ups & downs are getting overrated. There isn’t even anything thats actually bothering me anymore – except the fact that I feel annoyed with myself for letting out my emotions like that.
I mean if you think about it – its not very likely that I would’ve dropped dead if maybe I had dealt with it in my own way – locking it away like always. I’m not saying that I regret it all the same, sometimes letting it out seems like the right thing to do, & it clears up a lot of mystery. But I need to say this – I feel susceptible; vulnerable knowing that people know exactly how I feel [even though I might not be clear] – also I feel like I owe then am explanation; we are friends aren’t we? Maybe I don’t like them knowing how I feel is because they might remember them by that one moment.
Sigh this really makes me feel crazy – why do I think so much? It really ruins a whole lot of things.
I need some time out – maybe visit some place where its just me & my mind – clearing stuff works wonders.
This is why sometimes all I need is a little time with my music – it speaks to me rather than the other way around.
Like Death Cab for Cutie once said;
“..Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here..”
I know it may seem quite banal, highly cliché-ridden, even sounding like I’m just blabbing the same old platitudes – but I really do mean everything I say. Music is one thing that really brings me back to reality – because even though I know the songs written don’t mean that the people writing them were feeling what I was, but simply they wrote it all the same because they could. & I can connect with it too.
Right now, I’m just grateful I have friends who understand & that I don’t need to look beyond the horizon – just being happy with what I have right now is all I need.
Oh also – side note; when talking to more than 1 person about how I ‘feel’ is like being an attention whore. This pretty much adds to the element of embarrassment.