I Speak to Hear His Voice.
Depression is a manifestation of unpleasantness. It stems from the very core of our existence, harbouring all melancholy thoughts and feelings that we obscure within ourselves. It is the epitome of misery, a silent ode to sadness. It is but a contamination of the soul, a plague that spreads through the mind & hinders it to the point where we question the existence of our entity & refuse to retaliate against this pitiful state which we now perceive our whole life to be to.
This solitary imprison is where I now I reflect upon the beauty of this conceptual damnation, of this so called irreverent state of mind that I am now forced to be in. I believe that I lived my life in dissimulation, or maybe this is what I feel now that I have the chance to finally analyse all that I have been. I could see the possibilities in indiscriminate actions that others could not fathom even in the slightest. Perhaps it would have made more sense if I had resigned to my instincts before I had the chance to act upon them so strongly, but so carnal were my apprehensions at that moment that I know nothing could’ve stopped them from surfacing. But these ‘what ifs’ will not compensate for what has happened, for I am not imbued with any guilt, I feel no remorse or regret.
How lifeless his eyes were as they stared back at me had initially filled me with a deep sense of terror. I feared the look on his face that was teeming with emptiness, having an aura of obsoleteness emitting out of him. He was void of life, of feeling. He could no longer respond. No longer feel. No longer breathe.
As selfish as this may seem, my sorrow stemmed only from my own inability to cope with the desolating loss of something I was so unnaturally attached to. ‘Unnaturally’ is not an extravagant fabrication of my true feelings for him, what I felt was adequately disturbing to me & it perturbed my mind even after he had been laid to rest. At last I could take it no more, & before the break of dawn, his lifeless body embraced my presence once again.
I now realized the full audacity of what I had done. I felt like I controlled him, like I now dominated him, for I had life while he did not. The sheer realization of this idea itself made me feel godlike, so absolutely inhuman. I wanted to tell the world, show them what I could be capable of – my beloved had no power against my will. I turned to see him, his perfect face, pallid & cold yet free from all feelings & suddenly felt it mock me. He felt nothing, no sadness, no desolation, he could never comprehend the pain his loss had put me through, & I realized it was him who had triumphed me. It was he who consumed me with his thoughts, the emptiness in myself that ever longed for him to return. He dominated me from beyond the grave & I was eternally bound to him until I too died.
This helplessness that now overcame me took me by surprise, giving way to madness, to unadulterated insanity in its true form. My obsession with him antagonized me & in my exasperation & blind rage I stabbed his corpse, with increasing force hoping that it would cause him to speak, to scream in pain. But no sound was heard, his face was still pallid & cold, free of any emotion. This infuriated me more & more, & I continued stabbing him until my arms gave away & I curled up in his pool of his blood, too exhausted to care.
What happened next is only too apparent, & I now write about my abomination from the confines a lonely prison cell that serves as a reminder of him, & thus the reason as to why I am locked away from the world. I do not fear of what is to become of me, my sanity died with him & my physical being holds no prominence as I am just another being enclosed in an airy casket that decides my fate. What has become of him, I do not know. Nor do I care. He is but an abstract concept within my mind that is destined to haunt me for the crime that I have commited.
*Okay this is my first attempt to write a story, & as you can guess I’m deeply inspired by Edgar Allan Poe – so this is probably the best I can come up with – & no, I’m not disturbed. really. xD