Ab imo Pectore.

This is going to be one of those boring posts where I talk about my life. There’s not much to say, but sometimes I just feel like writing stuff down because it brings back closure to my life, makes everything seem more in place.

So I have the habit of blaming myself when something goes wrong. It normally doesn’t bother me much, but these days it’s just kinda bringing me down. Admittingly, I know I’m being paranoid. I know people get busy, I know I get busy. & when that happens, I also know that people end up not talking. but the problem is, I blame myself. I keep feeling like if I had ‘wanted’ to be in touch with someone, I would be right now.

Sometimes I wish I’d never met people I become close to, mostly because in the end, it’s so hard to let go. I hate losing people in my life, it doesn’t make me sad, it makes me feel like I’m no longer in control of my life – once again, it has to be my fault because honestly, if I don’t control my life then who will ?

I mostly make good choices, hardly regret any. That’s good. But the whole situation with me blaming myself is kinda ruining that.

& then I like blabbing it all here. Once I didn’t need to because I felt like I had friends. Now, with everyone so busy [including me, I can’t wait around for people to talk to] I find the blog to be my fortress of solitude, the one place where I can tranquilize & reach nirvana by just speaking my mind. It’s not completely healing, but it numbs everything else for a while. Long enough for me to forget about it.

Maybe that’s why I like reading blogs, makes me happy to see people speak their mind with the same veracity as me, & talk about everything.

I need to materialize back into reality, but I want to say right here. This place is surreal, non-existing & exactly how I want it to be.


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