Ah, I’ve missed writing about myself.
It’s sad how I promised myself a peace of heaven for when I’d come back here, yet I still haven’t had the chance to unwind. I feel like I have too many responsibilities & I feel like retracing my steps back to ’09 when I had no idea what I was getting into. I miss O levels. I miss the year before that & the one before that.
I remember not worrying about anything. I remember the times when I didn’t think about boys, & my whole life revolved around being a kid. It was just so much easier back then. There were no heartbreaks, no dramas, nothing to worry about in my future. My average day was meeting my friends at school, watching tv, studying a little & falling asleep by 10 p.m; where’d all that go?
Now, it’s either heartbreaks, exams, results, universities, planning my future, being pressured by unnecessary rules in our society & culture, realizing social barriers that hold me back, being rejected by people because I don’t add up to what they want to see me as & it makes me want to just run away.
It’s not about being scared, it’s about dealing with it all. It brings me down when I see things so clearly. I don’t wanna think about getting married, or having kids. I don’t even want to think about being responsible; I’m just 17. I’m so uptight. I wasn’t like this before. I worry about everything so insanely that sometimes it’s almost like I’m giving myself a hemorrhage.
Sometimes I look at myself & wonder, how did I become this person? I’m the complete opposite of the 10 year old girl I was 7 years ago. She’d probably be horrified to see me like this, while present me actually respects the little kid I was even now. Ofcourse, she’d be happy to know what I’ve accomplished academically, but seeing my worry so much over little things would just make her pity me, and that just sucks.
What I’m really afraid of is losing the little bit I have left of what I used to be in the years to come. What if my personality gets altered? What if I lose my oldest friends in the long run cause’ I stop staying in touch or vice versa? What if everything I stand for gets lost in history? I’ll probably lose myself then & become someone else entirely; a way of adapting to society. & that’s just depressing, simply.
I try not to be a pessimist anymore, & I was pretty sure this post wasn’t supposed to sound as dreary as it does, but I have changed. I keep my expectations down to a bare minimum & always expect the worst cause’ I can’t stand to be hurt any longer.
Maybe it’s because I’m a teenager yet still, & that I feel like I’ve been through hell & I’m always so confused, but my experiences have made me the person I am today. I’m honestly incapable of expressing feelings cause’ I repress too much. I’m always cheerful because I don’t like showing anyone I’m sad because I’m pretty sure no one can help me & I don’t want them to feel obligated to. I don’t want to seem weak. I want to look like I’m mentally stable enough to help someone out even when I’m not. That’s how I adapted.
So now I’m this person, who’s typing away a sad little story about herself at 2:17 a.m, asking herself why she wants to publish a sob story on a day like today. Self pity? Remorse? Exasperation to do something about herself? No. I just want to read this in a couple of years & say, “I was so immature back then, pshh. I’m so glad I’m not like that anymore.”