Remembrance of things past.
So it’s come to an end; my long 3 week stay in Saudi is about over & I’m writing this as my last day here starts. It feels .. too early. Didn’t I just come here a while ago? Wasn’t I complaining about doing all the housework without my mum around just a mere 14 days ago?
Tomorrow, this time around my hands won’t be this cold anymore, & neither will I be alone in my room like I am right now. I won’t wake up in my comfortable bed on Friday morning to the sound of the az’aan from the mosque that’s barely 5 feet away from my building & neither will I be going out for a late night walk in my compound with my bestfriend now, since she’ll have left permanently by the time I come back.
After tomorrow, I won’t hear my mum nag me for staying up too long & I won’t hear the argumentative discussions on the news channels buzzing in the background when I enter my dad’s room. I won’t take the perfect hot shower in my bathtub, with that bath curtain that has all these childish drawings all over it & I won’t get the same effect on my hair when I blow dry it here.
Once I’ve gone to Pakistan, this house will have 1 less person living amongst them; there’s going to be a big gaping hole in the picture where I should be. I won’t be able to sleep in my gorgeous car again, & neither will I see any of the ones I see here once I head back. I won’t be able to hug my mum when I’m feeling down, & I’ll no longer be around to correct my dad’s paperwork the night before he’s supposed to hand them in.
There will be no more tea requests at midnight, & I’ll probably not cook anything for a while since I only use electric stoves or ovens. I won’t be tasting my mum’s recipes in a long time, & I probably won’t be attending any major parties in the compound either.
Sigh. So many won’t & can’ts. I hadn’t realized earlier how much all these small details that made up my everyday life here mattered to me. Those insignificant calls on the internal phone between me & my bestfriend, those moments where my parents used to yell at me to study, right down to hearing Arabic everytime I’d step outside my apartment; it’s all history to me.
It’s been a good 10 year run here in Saudi. It’s been my land; I’ve been here when it’s rained, hailstoned, thunderstormed & when epic sandstorms have hit us. I’ve been driven on the same routes that lead to all those familiar places; Orbit Academy, the Navy Compound, Mall of Dhahran, Hyper Panda, Red Tag, Jarir Bookstore, Tamimi, Extras, the place that’s unofficially known as the ‘Pakistani Area’ – just to name a few. These memories, I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
I know I have so much to look forward to, like a whole new life, a new chapter to it infact, but letting go of the past can be so painful sometimes, when you know whatever you cherish won’t be there again next time you come around. I feel like I’m being let go of, like how I’m being pushed forward into doing something I’m not sure I’m ready to go along with. I actually feel deserted & alone even when I know I shouldn’t.