I miss what I used to be.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my adolescent life than I have in the last 1 month that I’ve been here. I don’t know why, I don’t even know how I’ve gotten so weak but I can’t handle emotional stress anymore which is so unlike me. The fact is that I have nothing to look forward to anymore .. there’s nothing left for me & I am, in the most literal sense, alone here.
I want to drown. Drown, not in my thoughts, or in my subconcious, but in something that’s real just to get away from this surreal subnormality. I’m tired of being optimistic, tired of being dependable. I need to lean on someone once more, but no one’s around. I’m truly isolated & estranged here, away from home; my family, my friends.
Everything & everyone’s so far away from me & I constantly feel like crying just to let it out, but I know it’s a never ending cycle & that this is just the beginning.
I don’t want to sound pathetic or needy – I know I can survive this on my own, & I will. I know that’s just how it goes. All the people who I was with before, only a handful are actually there for me when I need them. So much for trusting people. I feel cheated in all honesty. I wish there was some way out of this rut.
This place can’t be my home, as much as I try, it just can’t. It’s not about the people, it’s not about the environment or the weather here – it’s just not mine because I’m just too different. I can try to adapt, & for people who meet me & see me everyday, they don’t even know how I feel, even when they talk to me or ask me questions – so there’s no way out of this. I’m so tired of all this, I want out.