“Is there no way out of the mind?”
That sadness, that eloquent deceit of the mind that slumbered in the deepest, darkest repressions within me was a poison that slowly decapitated my well-being & sanity. It left me eternally paralyzed & helpless as I succumbed into it’s fraudulent aura, resigning myself to this hopelessness that had overcome me.
I was in suffering, aching with vivacity as I found myself trapped under the unbearable agony of my inability to comprehend this gossamer dream-like reality. How long had I been here for? I could no longer grasp the limitations of time.
Very lucid moments of remembrance would strike up now & then. I’d try to hold on to their fragile understandings & make sense of what little substantial realizations they would bring, but these were of no comfort as they would disappear as soon as they’d come, like opium induced nightmares that would mock my credibility of being sane.
I wanted it all to end, to escape from this nightmarish oblivion that my mind had created for me as an attempt to save the last remaining shred of humanity I clung to. In the end though, hope had abandoned me like a lost cause.
As all life seemed to drain out of me, I rummaged through the deserted corridors within the confines of my mind in a frantic haze to create some purpose to keep me sustained; it brought back a hauntingly alluring thought, something that put order into the chaotic whirlwind I was trapped in.
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.
As comforting as the thought of death was to me in this state of unrest, I knew I was incapable of inflicting unwanted pain upon myself in fear of waking up again in this world; ‘saved’ by someone who claimed to have cared for me enough to not see me die, oblivious to the painstaking measures I would take to commit to the deed, to prepare myself to the thought of getting lost in an abyss from which there would be no turning back.
So I decided [as if I really had the choice], to just wait. I would break away in fragments, in small, minute pieces one at a time, unrecoverable – slowly degenerating until eventually I would no longer exist except perhaps those pieces of me that a few might keep with them as a memory to remember me by.
I knew I’d be missed, but like all entities that have come before me, I will never know where my bones will rest, eventually I’d be forgotten & dissolved in this earth below.