There are days when everything hits you all together; days when you realize how alone you are, days when you realize how purposeless your entire life has been.
These days make you think of the harsh reality that surrounds you, & makes you realize that you are indeed alone & that at the end, everything related to you is your own responsibility, that you cannot blame your surroundings, you cannot expect people to be there for you & that the future is forever changing & that it will hollow you out & make you cry & make you weak from the inside & make you feel like a shadow of what you really are. These days will make you take a look at your life & make you rethink all the choices you made, & will make you question if this is what you really want to settle for.
Days like these take you out of your comfort zone, the small bubble you make for yourself that holds you in place, & throw you out into the wilderness where your worst fears come alive. The pretenses that you will be cared for, & that people will always be there for you will be dropped. Looking around, you’ll see the entire mess of a life you’ve made, the disaster you unknowingly created because of the decisions you made for yourself. Some of the damage will be unrepairable, & what’s left seems so far gone that you don’t know where to start. Somethings, that you thought would face the harsh waters will drown faster than you’d imagined & you’d have to settle with what’s left even though even thinking about it breaks you down into tiny pieces.
It’s all about compromise, sacrifice & patience. Compromising the losses, sacrificing what’s left to make place for a better future, & patience for it all to happen. & then there’s hope. Hope that everything will be fine, that everything will go back to the way it was, that you’ll get through the mess. But the bittersweet thing about hope is that it leads you on, & that it doesn’t always lead to what you want. Sometimes, too much hope is what distracts you from taking responsibility to clean up the mess in the 1st place.
Self-pity is the lowest of the lows you can hit while heading rock-bottom as you spiral down into thoughts of what you’ve done with your life. There’s nothing worse than self-pity as it breaks you into pieces, blows away all that you are by a slight breeze & you wonder – what have I done all my life? I am nothing, there’s no point in my existence, I have no purpose.
Once you’ve gone there, you find no answers to satisfy you as you search through the barren wasteland that you now think your life is. It makes you feel like you’ve been drifting all your life, not paying attention to what decisions you made & now you regret every single one of them, even the ones that made you insanely happy at one point. You regret everything that has made you purposeless & in the end there’s no one you can blame but yourself.
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You’re currently reading “Paper Cuts.,” an entry on Epitomal Fragments of a Teenage Mind.
- November 7, 2012 / 8:17 pm
- I really don't know what to do.