On reminiscing over the past, lamenting & appraising the present & anticipating the somewhat future
I guess I sort of like all that nostalgic stuff that makes you smile when your remember things that have passed. It feels nice to know that I’ve been happy enough to savour the moment in my head, or to keep some sort of memorabilia from the past.
Looking back at the last few months of my life, I’ve been through tons of experiences. some were horrible, some were the happiest of my life; some made me cry, some made me laugh. It feels like a whirlpool of so many emotions, now when I look back. I have gone through so many life-altering situations, have met so many new people that I feel so different from the 12th grade, high school graduate I was, just a year ago.
The last 2 years of my life are so contrasting, it makes me awe at how quickly my life’s changed.
2 years ago, I was terribly shy, I had trouble speaking up, I was happy just staying at home. Most of my days were spent at home actually, & I was actually happy with the way things were. I used to have arguments with my parents, I used to rebel a lot, & I couldn’t wait till I would move out.
School was just a drag, A levels seemed like the hardest thing there was. Then there was the effortless daydreams about becoming a surgeon, a doctor, making something out of myself & get out of the boring rut I was in.
There was my angry poetry phase, & the times I’d write articles over articles about how mainstream killed the real music where I’d fight invisible wars with the guys up top over how the real music still lies underground. There was just so much anger, & hate & rebellion, & now it’s like I’m too tired to fight about what used to matter to me.
True, it wasn’t actually a serious cause, & most of the time, things I’d say were immature [not illogical] but those things used to define me. I used to be full of some kind of drive that used to push me forward, & even though things would get so horribly monotonous, I’d still be least bothered cause’ everyday seemed like a new day.
In 5 years time, I know I’ll probably say the same things when I’ll be stuck working shifts at some hospital, & I’ll feel even less energized or passionate about life as I am now. I guess the right word to describe myself would be ‘indifferent.’
I’ve become indifferent to all those things that used to matter to me, & I guess I’ve replaced them all with something more practical. They’ve led me to become more confident, & better at what I am now, but it’s replaced my drive with a little bit of fear, that maybe I’ve lost a part of myself somewhere along the road to nirvana. I miss that part of me, that tiny speck that used to define me from afar.
From being someone who used to melt into the background, I’ve become someone who stands out – so in a way, I’ve lost my recluse & solitude. I used to blend in, & somehow it’s all changed after I came here. People would think I’d like that, but to be honest, I liked that part of my old life better, when no one really knew who Mariyam Shoaib was, except for the select few.
I probably sound pretty full of it in retrospect, but it’s just something I’ve been feeling for a long time. I just really liked being the quiet, shy kid who sits at the back, when no one knew what I was like & my thoughts were my own, & I would light my own way to a happier place in my head, which seems to exist no more.
There’s just stress & tensions, & moments where I feel like I can’t take any of this anymore. I know, it is the price I have to pay for the choice I took, & I don’t regret any of it, but looking back, I think about how easy everything was when I was back home.
I guess it’s true when they say that you’ll understand your parents the most after you’ve left home. Everything they ever used to say to me makes sense now, I sort of wish I’d understood it sooner than later, but I’m glad I still have time to make it up to them. After you leave home, you realise how many responsibilities you now have. You have to take care of yourself, cause’ your mum won’t be around to do so. Your mum’s not gonna be around to ask you about your day, or ask you if something’s wrong even when you don’t say a word – that’s just something mums can do. Your dad won’t be around to give you lectures about life & how to not make mistakes like he did when he was our age. You have no one you can turn to when you wanna complain once you leave home, no one who will support you like your parents did. It’s harsh realisation, but slowly, with time, you eventually become accustomed to it.
Living your own life has it’s own upside; you tend to become more responsible about yourself. You get to have a say in what you think is right for you or not. It’s kinda empowering sometimes, & makes me feel elated that I get to be in that position, so I don’t think it’s all bad.
I guess I just really like weighing the good & bad of life. I like comparing things to make me get a better perspective of things, gives me a better insight about myself & helps me understand the kind of person I am or was. Like everyone else, I have to face the good with the bad, so I guess it all depends on how well I deal with the latter.
1000 word essay. xD