Along the horizon.

I remember when I used to write long, sentimental articles in my blog as a way of letting go of things.
I remember when it was therapeutic, a way of letting of some steam & hate, & lots of pain.
I also remember how good it felt to laugh at some of the articles I’d write when I was upset, because it just signified how little all that mattered to me.
However, I don’t know when it all stopped. Perhaps I have become too dependable on people & find writing to be a chore.

I want to start writing again, because I’ve always written for myself; it’s my domain, & it’s something I have perfect control over.
Writing helps me sort things out in my head, & it helps me put things aside & forgive & forget – mostly the latter.

This post isn’t about my want to write, though. It’s about what I want to say. & I have got nothing at all.
When it comes down to writing what I want to, the feelings I have & the words in my head just do not add up.
It’s become a habit of mine to -not- dwell on things that upset me for too long, which to be honest has been a very painful path for my to choose, because without dwelling on things, I don’t let go. It all just stays in the back of my head, & the outbreak results in my heart breaking with the sheer torture it puts me through.

I’m thankful for the people in my life, who are somehow always there for me in one way or the other, & it’s comforting to know that I matter to some people. However, it’s not the same. They provide mere distraction for me when things seem rough, but once when I am alone at night, & have no one to turn to, it’s always me & my mind, & the thoughts it harbours.

A friend of mine who went through a break-up recently told me, that throughout the day, he feels elated, normal, & happy with his life. but nightfall is always the worst because it’s the stark realisation of how alone you are.
I guess the deeper meaning behind that lonliness is that there is no real form of escape from it, & that the only way to find temporary relief is to sleep – which, is sort of pathetic.

On a more lighter note, we know time heals all wounds. Every single pain you’ve felt & every single thing that seems to kill you right now will no longer matter in a few months, or years. Every heartbreak will subsequently cease to break your heart, & every memory will move to the back of your mind if not fade. You’ll eventually either learn to live with it, or you might find someone who’s willing to fill in the gaping holes that have been left behind.
Either way, everyone heals, some more slowly than others.
The biggest reminder you can give yourself is that your whole life is ahead of you, & things are never the same. Life has its ups & downs, it will raise you to the highest levels of happiness or can drag you through the mud when you least expect it. When the latter happens, you need to be patient because after every downfall, there is a rise, & you need to wait for it.

I am a mix of pessimism & optimisim. I believe in happiness, & I believe I’ll have my fair share in the future, & that dark times are temporary, however I do feel that that happiness will not be the one I am expecting, & what I want is not what I need & no matter how hard I hold on, I will not have what I want. The eyes you once looked in to will one day be replaced with another’s & the hand you once held may never grasp yours again. The sad thing about humanity is that we just don’t know when to let go, it’s always either too soon or too late; the same goes for trust – you never know how much is enough.
How sad it is that we make the same mistakes, & expect the results to change. We’re simple creatures when it comes down to how we all seek happiness & try our hand at it many times.
We fear, yet venture into the unknown. We are curious beings, & we have hopes for everything. We try something even when we know it may end badly, but we try it because we have hope that it may thrive. We expect the best for ourselves, & in the delirium of happiness we start to believe everything will work out.

I’ve gone through too many experiences, & have heard & read to much to know about the extraordinary folds of life, & yet I find myself stuck in the same experiences years later, just at a different, more complex level. It’s comforting to know that it can all be masked by the excuse of my age, but deep down, no one but I can understand how the lack of understanding of these experiences just simply makes me stupid.


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